Today I made a trip to my doctors surgery for a travel consultation, a seemingly stress-free occasion which is completely within the capabilities of a 21 year old adult. Well, after nearly missing my train and walking to the wrong doctors surgery I arrived sweaty and rain-soaked (an interesting feeling which anyone who has been caught running late in the rain wearing a knitted jumper will understand). I sat in the waiting room and was swiftly greeted by a nurse who opened the door to her room but stood completely in the way of the entrance and loomed over me. I tried to stand but she gave me a look which I can only describe as the 'Demon Headmaster' stare which seemed to weigh me even further into the teal, foamy waiting room chair.
'Emma?'
'...yes.' attempting, but failing, to stand and enter the room
'Hang on, did you get my voicemail?'
'ummm, no, I don't think..'
'I rang you two days ago and left you a message'
'ok'
'You were supposed to fill out an online questionnaire before you came today.'
'oh... I'm sorry.. I...'
'Well, it's there to help us cut down appointment time. We are very busy. I will have to go and check something.'
She left and managed to leave me with a feeling as if I was solely responsible for the strain on NHS services which was, conveniently, the subject of the BBC Radio 2 debate that was blaring through the waiting room speakers like some sort of propaganda broadcast. I realised that this questionnaire must be essential to the appointment and I may have got myself sweaty and wet for no reason (the ultimate disappointment) however she returned and finally allowed my through the doorway and into her 'office'.
I sat down next to her and told her all the places I planned to visit and how long the trip was going to be (which turned out to be the only information the questionnaire would have covered anyway) and we sat and looked at the computer screen which described all the horrible and life-ruining and fatal diseases that I was most likely to catch. I don't know if you have ever done research on foreign diseases but if not, I don't suggest to try it. Even Australia, a country which I thought was nice and safe held warnings for illnesses I had never heard of.
Eventually we cut it down to a nice little list of the possible maladies that I could contract from Hepatitis B to Japanese Encephalitis (and yes it is as frightening as it sounds). Luckily I had had vaccinations for a few of them already so we could tick those off of the 'Possible Ways Emma Naef Will Die' list. She gave me two more injections (the free ones) and let me mull over the others (the ones that cost LOTS of money but immunise me from the awful diseases).
So mulled over these diseases a lot. I mulled as I walked out of the surgery, I mulled as I bought my soup and bread roll from Burgess Hill Waitrose, I mulled as I waited for the train reading the print out that the nurse has kindly given me, I mulled on the train nearly missing my stop, I mean, I really mulled this one over. Most probably I will pay the obscene amount for the other jabs and medication and I probably won't complain too much about the price because the alternative is pretty terrifying, but looking at the list of sicknesses only furthered THE FEAR.
Going away to these countries is a scary thing however you look at it. There is the fear of illness, the fear of crime, the fear of getting lost, the fear of running out of money, the fear of meeting strangers, I could go on. It's the fear of the unknown. Every so often, when thinking about this trip I am grasped by that feeling, sometimes it has a physical effect on me, I will be alone in my room on my laptop and my chest will get tight or I will be with my family and I will let out a little squeak because I realise what I am about to do. However, there is a reason I haven't stopped breathing altogether or I am not walking around constantly squeaking. It's because I know that there is no point being scared of it. Yes, any number of things could happen in a year, just like any number of things could happen in a year in Brighton. The difference is that I will be in interesting and amazing places taking risks rather than staying at home, and in the end that will make all the difference.
My grandparents were preparing to travel by boat to a country on the other side of the world, a place they knew nothing about, leaving everything they knew behind so what the hell am I worried about. And anyway THE FEAR is no match for the excitement.
I wanted to find a quote about fear to end this post and this one was my favourite, in the great words of Marilyn Monroe:
'Fear is stupid, so are regrets'
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